School Bus Blimp/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You notice how people drive too fast through your neighbourhood? Maybe they're late for work or out of beer, or somebody's husband came home early. Whatever the reason, it's dangerous, and you got to find a way to get 'em to slow down. Here's what you do. Get yourself a light blue shirt, some dark blue pants, a captain's hat, and a hair dryer. And if a cop asks you, you tell him you're not impersonating an officer, you're a retired tug boat captain trying to get into hairdressing. [ brakes screeching ] thank you very much appreciate it. Big, big day up at the lodge. I'm coming home from town with flinty mcclintok in his school bus. He's hoping to get the contract for the possum lake public school. Anyway, were driving along, and all of the sudden, bang! Transmission drops right out of her, rolls onto the lawn of city hall there. I figure, fair enough, we'll give them the gears for a change. Well, it turns out the school bus has bald tires, no brakes, no muffler, has 700,000 miles on her, and flinty has no license. So he offers me the school bus. For nothing! I mean, a whole school bus. I mean, can you believe it? A school bus. A school bus! Okay, we made it. School bus is in the parking lot, red. Any trouble towing it, or anything? Oh, no, not with the sewage truck. No, it's used to that kinda load. Why did we bring it here, mr. Green? It's too big for the garbage man to take it away. Come on, you guys. All you see is a dead school bus, right? You gotta use your imagination. Well, I used to use mine all the time. That's how I ended up in the slammer. Okay, what are we going to do with it? Well, we'll put an outboard motor on the back bumper, cover the holes in the floor with storm windows. Can you say, glass-bottom boat? Can you say big, yellow submarine? It's time to play the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] today's prizes are provided by, ellie's electrolysis emporium. And the winner of today's game will be awarded this coupon, for a complete bikini treatment and a back hair consultation. Playing today is mr. Ed frig. [ applause ] mr. Frig is a low-cal animal control officer. Local. All right, all right. Well, okay, mr. Green, you have 30 seconds to get mr. Frig to say this word. Cover your ears. The word is -- mike! And go! All right, ed, uh, people fall in this. Oh, quicksand. No, no, no, no. All you need is... Thick gloves and a tranquilizer gun? Uh, okay. This means never having to say you're sorry... Bumping into a deaf guy? No, no. In tennis this means nothing. Oh, good manners. All right, all right. Poets. Poets write about this. A hermit named dave. Okay, let's get back to when you were a kid, and you were acting kinda goofy and your parents said, don't worry, it's only puppy -- worms. All right, now, ed, for you to be born your parents had to make -- compromises. Almost out of time, mr. Green. Romeo and juliet were in -- oh, I got it. A play! Yes, I win. I love this game. There you go. Yes, sir, absolutely. That is the number one priority. Absolutely, I got it. Bye-bye. Harold, I got those sticky notes you wanted. Oh, thank you very much. That's perfect. Thank you, thank you. They're green! I can't use these. I need pink! I can't work -- I can use these, though. These will be fine. You know what I'll do? I'll use a pink highlighter, and even though they are green, I'll still know it's number one priority because it's written in pink. Seems simple enough, harold. Yeah, I have everything prioritized by colour codes. Now that you got stickys, I can take that off my list. This is great. I'm making my list smaller. Get stickys, get stickys, get stickys --. Ah, get stickys! This is quite a system you've got going here, harold. Oh, yeah, yeah. Problem is I got so much on the go, I need more room. I need space. I've even got stickys on the back of my chair. Oh, boy. They're low priority ones, though, so it's okay if I don't see them that often. I even have stickys all over my computer monitor. I hate doing that. I gotta do it. I'm out of room. So I'm gonna put a big wall right in here, eh. Stickys everywhere! Harold, how are you going to get any work done? You got notes all over everything. Uncle red, what am going to do? I don't know what I'm going to do. All right. All right. Here's what you are gonna do, okay? You're going to abandon this whole stupid system. Get yourself a calendar with a pencil with a great big eraser on it. Calendar and a pencil with a great big eraser on it. That's what I'm gonna do. Absolutely. And that's a number one priority now. That's --. Here. Aw, thanks. Gotta make a note that there's a note there. Red, do you find me attractive? I don't mean physically. Everyone finds me physically attractive. I mean magnetically. Are you getting enough sleep, hap? Not really. I think it goes back to when I was in the war. Korean. The moo goo guy pan delta. Bunch of us guys were horsing around, trying to kill the boredom. I put on my helmet, not knowing there was a live grenade inside it. Then it went off. That would be pretty loud, I would think. Caved in the whole left side of my head. We were miles away from the nearest hospital, so they took me to the nearest restaurant, where they had a chef put a metal plate in my head. A real metal plate. It was hanging above the stove. I think, actually, it was a strainer. Yeah, I wish I had one of those right now. Somehow, over the years, I think that metal plate in my head has become magnetized. Hap, I don't think that's possible. Even in your world. That so? You think that's magnetism holding that on? Yes, I do. Hap, that's an aluminum pop can. Aluminum's not magnetic. It's a different kind of magnetism. Yeah, I'm sure it is. I believe it's called gum. Take a look. I can't look at it, red. Why not? My head only points north. This week on handyman corner, I'm going to give you young people a history lesson and a life lesson; unless you have stapled so much jewellery to your head that you can't hold it high enough to see the tv. This unit here is an old, wringer-washer clothes washing machine. Technology hasn't really changed all that much. Still got an agitator in there, you put your detergent, your water, and your clothes --. I got a real good feeling about this. All right, now, to empty the machine out, what you would do is take this hose and hook it onto your laundry tub, and then you push this knob here. Whoa. Man. All right, now, this is where it gets real interesting. To squeeze the water out of the clothes, that's where the wringer comes in. You would just feed the clothes through the wringer, and you would get enough water out, you could then hang them out on the line to dry. The danger was that you lean in so close to the ringer, you might get your tie or your nose hairs caught in there. So technology moved on. Now my wife wants me to throw this old thing out. But if she had her way, we also would've thrown out those old oil drums sittin' on the back porch. Then where would we be when we needed an old oil drum? That's where the life lesson comes in. Recycle. Get creative. Break new ground. Use your noggin to find a new way to use an old thing. You married guys know what I'm talking about. I'm going to use the agitator to mix up the old cans of paint. And the colour doesn't really matter. We're only painting the fence, for crying out loud. And you see what I've done here? I mounted these shower heads the same distance apart as the fence boards. See, then when I push in the knob to drain the machine, the paints going to spray out these shower nozzles. See what I've done? I've turned a useless old wringer-washer, into a fence painter that doesn't use a brush and almost never needs paint. Now, here's a bonus. If you tie a piece of rope to the other end of the fence, and you run it through the ringer like that. The whole unit becomes self propelled. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. I want to talk to you older guys who at one time or another may have said, you know, I forgot what I was going to say. You may think that's senility, but it is not. It is very good health. You know, you've got a few stories you've told a time or two over -- you know the kind of stories I mean. No, no, not that kind. I mean the kind that --. I'm talking about the kind you would tell your wife. You know when you -- you just get started into the story, and you look at your friends, and they're looking at their watch, eh. And then they start checking that their watch is working. And they start using their watch to check their own pulse. You glance over to your wife for some support, and she's starring at you like you're the source of the bad smell in the fridge. These people aren't feeling well. They have a disease called boredom, and at that moment, you are the carrier. You are the typhoid mary of monotony, I'll tell you. And I'll tell you the most dangerous thing, you run the risk of boring yourself to death. You're subconscious knows that, see. So what it does is you get into one of those stories, it raises the draw bridge between that story, and your mouth. Shuts the whole thing down, just like the teamsters. And if you need some proof, next time you blurt out, "I forgot what I was going to say," just look at the looks of joy and relief on the faces of your friends and family, and in the deep recesses of your own mind. Remember, I'm pulling for you. Well, forgot what I was gonna say. Everybody these days wants an interlocking brick driveway. Sets the place off real nice. And it doesn't just say money, it says interlocking money. So here's a cheap way to have yourself an interlocking brick driveway. Before you pour your cement, you lay down a tight gridwork of primer cord inside the area. I would recommend not smoking while you're doing this. You will be smoking long after you are done. And then, you just spread it smoothly over the grid. You know, we have a saying in the demolitions business, what doesn't kill me, makes me hard of hearing. But that doesn't mean we have no common sense. Maybe we better take cover behind this protective barrier. [ applause ] [ sound of fire extinguisher ] okay, um -- well, we're getting there, you know, uh -- actually, when we welded the storm doors onto the floor of the school bus, we forgot to allow for the flammability of all the stuff the kids have dropped under the seats over the last 30 years. There was lunch bags, exploding pens, portable nuclear devices. It was a mess -- okay, mr. Green, it's still smokin', but the really bad smell is starting to die down now. You know, red, I think you're gonna have to give this whole boat thing a re-think. I'm way past the boat idea. Now, did you guys notice what happened, when the floor caught on fire in the bus? Yeah, you mean the way the fire department refused to come? No, no, no. I mean, did you notice the whole bus kinda rose up a little bit. No. You know, it was okay for you to smell the smoke. I just don't think you should have inhaled. No, all the hot air, all the hot gases trapped inside the roof. Hot air rises, that's why they have hot air balloons. And, of course, the school bus is made out of aluminum. She's got no engine, no transmission, so she's kinda light, and up she comes. See where I'm going with this? Yeah, the prison hospital. No, no, if we can lighten the school bus even more, take the wheels off, take the bumpers off, start a fire inside, hey, what do we have? A great big aluminum hot thing? No, no. No, no! We'll have an orange aluminum air ship. It'll be like the goodyear blimp, but it will be a school bus. Is that good? Well, yeah! 'cause we'll have all those seats. We can all ride around in there. We can control the altitude by how hot we make the fire. You know, I'm just tryin' to figure out, um -- what's wrong with this idea. Oh, yeah. I remember now. We'll all be killed! No, I'll tell you what we'll do. We'll just float around, maybe a few feet above the ground, just to be sure we're safe. Well, what about other aircraft bumping into us? That would be inconvenient. It's a school bus! When we see 'em coming, we'll just flick on the flashing lights. They'll have to stop. Red: So we're gonna play golf. Just waitin' for mike. Oh, boy. Okay, we're all set to tee up. I got all of that. All right. Hey, give me five. All right, mike. Give 'er a go. Give 'er a go. He's little, but he's got quite an unusual swing. I think he picked it up in prison. All right, mike. Give -- oh, there we go. Okay, give 'er a go. We don't count that. There it goes. Oh, oh, oh! Oh, that's a sh -- no, good. It was good. All right. Here's the tandem pairs. Don't see this too often. We were playin' a little slow, so -- a couple of beauties! Couple of beauties. I think one of them actually outdrove me. So we pick up our gear. Mike's gonna go in the cart. No, this way, mike. This way. So we're gonna walk down to ou drives for our second shot. Who's away? Who's away. Mike goes to get his ball. Mike that's not -- that's not -- not really in the rule -- not really -- hi, mike! Yes, that's exactly right. So now we got a little thing going. This is our approach shot into the green. Winston's the first one up, and he hits a real nice shot here. Now he's one of those guys hits one good shot, and look at that, eh. Now he's all mr. Big. He digs out his wallet, and he says, "hey, guys, I got 10 bucks say that's closest to the pin." oh, fella back there cuttin' the lawn. Ten bucks, okay. Yeah, we got it. Big deal. Okay. All right, I'm in. I'm always in. Mike's got a pretty good wad of cash there. Must've been payday. Oh! Yeah, dalton's wallet hasn't been opened in a while. But good to see he's in for the ten. All right, who's up? Who's up next? I don't wanna go right now. Someone else go. Mike, you go. Give 'er a go. That was a good one. That's a nice one. That's a nice one. Okay! Winston's outta the money. That's good. All right, dalton. Oh, man. Holy smokes. All right, dalton. Loosen up that swing. Let 'er rip. Oh, hey. Not bad. Not bad. Oh, boy, this is gonna be tough. This is gonna be tough. All right, I gotta really think about this one. Oh, oh, straight up. Skied it. Skied it. Look out, guys. Look out. Get away from the money, dalton. Incoming! Incoming! Look out! Look out! Oh, boy. Oh, oh, oh. What's he doing? Oh, look out. Oh. All right! There we go. Okay. [ clock ticking ] you know, spending quality time with the youngster doesn't mean you always have to be risking lives and destroying the environment. Teach them some gentle skills, like how to build and fly a kite. You know what? This kite's gonna go a mile high. Yeah, you'll see. You know, I remember watchin' my dad build kites. That was something. I guess that's where I learned most of my swear words. That way, dad's always with me, instead of in a condo in florida. You know what? You're gonna remember this day for a long, long, long time. You see, it's not what you do with the child -- ah! Ah! We don't need that. We don't need that. That's okay. That's okay. There you go. That'll still fly. That'll still fly. Go on, now. Not gonna fly if you just stand there. You gotta run! You gotta run! Go on, run! Move, move, move! There he goes. What a little guy, huh? Some day he'll have a boy of his own, and he'll take him out kite flying, and he'll remember this day. Go on. You're runnin' like a girl. Run! [ bell ringing ] oh, the humanity! We were so close. So close. Mind you, we're not blaming anybody. No, if god had meant for man to fly, he would never have given us school buses. We had 17 barbecues hooked up to the frame. We had them runnin' real good, really pumpin' the heat outta there. And after the first hour, we had lift-off. You know, it was kinda spooky when we cleared the trees. Scared the heck outta old man sedgwick, didn't it? Sure did. You know, when we buzzed over him, he thought we were a bunch of aliens. He yelled up, "you f.O.!" yeah, that was amazing. Nobody's been up that high in a school bus since the '60s. We had all the hot air trapped inside the bus. If we wanted to adjust the height, we just turned up the old barbecues. Boy, we could've floated like that forever, but, like I say, we're not blaming anybody. Okay, look. I'm sorry, okay. I'm sorry. It was instinct, you know. I mean, I saw the railroad crossing coming up -- we're in a school bus. I just hit the brakes and opened the door. We dropped like a stone. [ possum squealing ] meetin' time. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down. Save me a seat, mike. If my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. I thought we could play a little game tonight, I'll show you some bruises, and you guess how I got 'em. And to the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com everybody sit down. Sit down, now. Sit down. Sit down, everybody. Everyone take a seat. Everyone get themselves -- all rise! All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, guys, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. First order of business. We need a show of hands of guys who are willing to drive the kids to school. Okay, well, that means you're gonna have to stay home and look after them all day. Okay. Keep 'em up. Closed captioning provided by